I was a failure at breastfeeding with my first daughter. At least that's how I felt. I made it through a natural, drug-free childbirth. So, naturally I should be able to breast feed. I should be able to give my little newborn daughter the very best nutrients she could possibly get through a mother's milk. It's only natural right? Women have been feeding their babies like this for thousands of years, so I should too. I never even really gave it a second thought. I really thought that breastfeeding would just naturally happen. I was so wrong. It didn't just happen.
My baby had trouble latching on. It was a struggle to get her to the boob and keep her there. She would scream and scream. I pumped. Milk was coming out, so she should be getting something. I called the hospital for help because I was worried she was starving. I was told a breast fed baby will never starve. I went to her pediatrician, who was not a supporter of breastfeeding and he told me just to give her formula. Then it happened. My milk went dry. My nipples hurt. I went to my OB. I had masticitis. He told me it's possible my milk dried up and it probably won't come back. But I had heard it could come back.
Determined not to give up, I went to a lactation consultant. They told me my baby had tongue tie which was probably why she couldn't latch on. They told me my milk could definitely come back. They gave me some herbs. A heavy duty breast pump and some other gadgets and instructions. I would now have to put this fake nipple on my boob to help my baby latch on, feed her on the boob, then supplement her with formula, then pump. When I got done with this cycle it was time to do it again. I did this for a while. But after getting hardly any milk from pumping and not enjoying the process at all, and crying and crying and crying and crying, and feeling like a failure and crying some more, I decided it would be better to accept the fact that my milk was gone and it would be better to enjoy my new baby girl, then to try to make myself feel better by nursing her. It was such a hard decision, a hard experience, even harder than giving birth to her naturally.
Now, I am not writing this to discourage moms from breastfeeding, I'm writing this to say it's okay if you can't. Everything I read and all the advice I received had made me feel like breastfeeding was the best way to nourish your baby and that every mom can do it. And if you don't, you're less of a mom. It's simply not true. I have talked with other friends and family who have had similar experiences. Sometimes, breastfeeding just doesn't work. And it's okay, you're not a horrible mother if it doesn't happen. At the end of the day, it's about how much you love your sweet little baby. If you can breastfeed, great. And if you can't, you're still a good mom.
I'm pregnant with my second daughter. And I will attempt breastfeeding again, but if it doesn't happen, I won't let it affect how I feel about myself as a mother.
